Boxcutters and Bombs Don't Hijack Planes--People Do

The policy that forbids students who are legally licensed to carry in Virginia needs to be changed.

I am qualified and capable of carrying a concealed handgun and urge you to work with me to allow my most basic right of self-defense, and eliminate my entrusting my safety and the safety of my classmates to the government.

-- Roanoke Times op-ed

STOP SCHOOL SHOOTINGS: LET TEACHERS CARRY GUNS: Those "Gun-Free Zone" signs in front of public schools just aren't catching on. Or are they?

Is it just me or does anybody else see the obvious connection between "gun-free zones" and murder? Harris and Klebold at Columbine High School... John Lee Malvo in Baltimore... Charles McCoy in Columbus, Ohio... United 93...

-- Dr. Patrick Johnston at Right Remedy Ministries

I have had an epiphany.  Sometimes, there come events in a person's life that totally change their worldview.  These points usually come when seemingly unrelated ideas and experiences reach a nexus--a communion of intellectual transsubstatiation that makes real what could before have only been considered fantasy.

For me, that moment was last night.  You see, after arriving home on a grueling  flight from Boston to Los Angeles in which I waited an hour in a security line while perfumes and lip glosses were removed from elderly passengers, I happened to chance on writings from right-wing, God-fearing patriots advocating that we arm students to prevent future school shootings.

And then it hit me: a Modest Proposal for America.  Why not let ANYONE take ANYTHING onto a plane?  After all, boxcutters and bombs don't hijack planes--people do.

Yes, my fellow Americans.  It's as clear as day.  We would face far less terrorist threat if we were to allow every passenger the right to keep and bear arms on an airplane in order to protect their own safety.    After all, how much more effective would the "well-regulated militia" on Flight 93 have been if they were armed to the teeth?  Hell, they might have saved that plane from even going down!

And there's a precedent for this.  As my fellow right-wing patriots are quick to point out, the reason that urban crime rates are so high is because of strict gun control laws that only allow criminals to carry them.  These statistics have nothing to do with the fact that there is desperate poverty in urban slums and leads to violence which would increase with looser gun control--that's a liberal lie.  The kind of lie promoted crazy fringe wackos like the ones at DailyKos.  Rather, if EVERY urban citizen carried a weapon, the crime rate would almost disappear overnight.

And the same thing goes with planes.  You see, it's not that airplanes are greater threats for terrorist attack--the problem is that security measures make airplanes easy targets. If you take away the box-cutters and bombs from the people, only the terrorists will have box-cutters and bombs!

Now I know what you might be thinking:

"But wait!  Guns and bombs are inherently dangerous on airplanes.  They can cause the death of everyone on-boards all by themselves!  This is crazy!"

 All I can do is laugh--you've been duped by the Liberal Media.  That's just what they want you to believe.  First off, we need to fight fire with fire.  Second, The Truth is that God watches over his People and will not come to harm.  As Psalm 22 says, "Yea, though I pass through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for thy rod and thy staff, O God, shall support me. Let not Christians be afraid."

But let's say you're right.  Let's say that guns and bombs are inherently dangerous.  Well, there's nothing wrong with swords.  If my opinion, every red-blooded patriotic American should have the right--nay, be forced--to carry the personal protection of a trusty blade on board an aircraft.  And no, I ain't talking about some bullshit ninja-blade katana or some sissy French epee.  I'm talking about real Swords, for Real American Patriots.  The kind you can disembowel three TowelHead terrorists with in a single stroke.  Take THAT, Osama!

The point is, this whole security checkpoint thing is BULLSHIT.  Just like gun control laws in schools only hurt the victims of gun violence, the only people that Airport Security lines are protecting is TERRORISTS.  And Michael Chertoff and his buddies better get that figured out right quick.

Quite frankly, without my trusty weapon at my side, I don't really feel safe to fly anymore.  And neither does anyone else.  And that could hurt this wonderful economy Bush has created by giving me and my fellow hard-working Americans a $300 tax cut three years ago.

So please, America, it's time bring back some Common Sense.  It's time to exercise our Second Amendment Rights on airplanes.  It's for the good of the Children.  For the good of the Economy.  For the good of America.  For the good of God, Mom, Baseball and Apple Pie.

Me?  I'm a Patriot.  Next time I get on a plane, they'll take my bowie-knife when they can pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

And they wouldn't dare do that--God's Own Party needs my vote now more than ever.