Wednesday, August 23, 2006

We're Just Not That Concerned About Him

Washington, D.C.--Eight weeks after a dragnet conducted in cooperation with local Thai authorities failed to catch John Mark Karr, the elusive mastermind allegedly behind the murder of JonBenet Ramsey and other serial child molestation charges, President Bush responded forcefully to critics of his handling of the issue.

Said Bush: "I'm just not that concerned about him.  He's hiding out and trapped in the jungle down there.  He's been marginalized."

Upon further questioning, he added, "I'm just not that concerned about him.  We'll get him eventually."

Parents of the aggrieved children, including the Ramseys, have been extremely critical of the administration's efforts in the case.  They have cited above all the administration's placing 90% of all available intelligence and Interpol personnel in nearby Laos to topple a dangerous tarantula-smuggling operation, and have demanded that Bush follow the recommendations of the Child Molestation FBI Panel to place more emphasis on child abuse prevention, and to place more agents on the trail of John Mark Karr.

Bush grew angry at such suggestions.  "People like the Ramseys simply want to cut and run.  We have an obligation to the Laotian people to put this tarantula-smuggling operation away once and for all.  We cannot let the tarantula smugglers win, or the John Mark Karr's of the world will bring their depraved molestation to America."

Asked what tarantula-smuggling and child molestation had to do with each other, Bush said, "Nothing!" and laughed.

When asked about his use of the words "Wanted: Dead or Alive" to describe the CIA's attitude toward the capture or killing of John Mark Karr, Bush called his previous language "unfortunate."  "Sometimes," said Bush, "I say things I shouldn't say.  Laura gets on my case about that.  Heh heh."

Rumors have spread that Mr. Karr has been seen around the outskirts of the Thai capital of Bangkok.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was asked why, if we knew the general whereabouts of Mr. Karr, the world's most wanted fugitive remains at large.  Responded Rumsfeld, "We know exactly where Mr. Karr is.  He is in the area of Bangkok.  And maybe east, west, north and south somewhat."

Throughout the conference, Rumsfeld maintained his good humor and good nature.  After a reporter asked Rumsfeld if he could be more specific about Mr. Karr's location, Rumsfeld joked, "Well, there are known knowns and unknown knowns, and unknown unknowns.  But if he's around Bangkok, we'll get him.  Sooner or later."

Added Rumsfeld, "Bangkok.  Hahaha.  Bang Cock.  Get it?  Haaha."


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